Remembering...

I called my brothers and sister. I wanted to let them know of the situation. I didn’t know if they should come right away or not. They asked me this. I had no answer. To say yes, come now meant she might not make it until the weekend. There was no way I wanted to believe that. I didn’t want to say it out loud and I certainly did want to confirm it by telling them to go ahead and come. The best I could do was tell then what the doctors said and leave it up to them to make the decision. I think they too struggled with what the implication of flying in right away meant.

I just sat and stared at her most of the time. I couldn’t believe this was really her. She looked so different – pale, small, but mostly lost. This is what hurt the most. She didn’t know who she was or where she was. She kept grabbing at what I could only guess were imaginary bugs. She spoke with people not present in the room. My memory is a little foggy about it all, but I’m pretty sure she was speaking to Jack, her father, who had passed away long ago. At times she would try to get out of bed. These were the worse times because she was scared. Something or someone was scaring her and she wanted to get away. I felt so helpless, and alone. The metamorphosis was complete. She had become the frightened little girl and I was the one trying to comfort her and protect her from the boogie man. I’m so angry about this, because I didn’t see when it happened. They took her away for surgery my Mother. They brought her back my child. I didn’t get to tell my Mother good bye.